Gail and I went swimming at a friend’s house this past Sunday. Our friends were gone and had invited us to use their pool. So, we went and spent a couple of hours just relaxing and enjoying being together. We paddled around and talked and paddled some more. At one point, I noticed a peculiar little “ant” that was swimming. I’m not really sure it was an ant, but ants have a jointed body so for the purpose of my story, he is an ant – the upper part was a rich light brown and with two very distinct black eyes and the bottom, or back part, had brown, red, and black stripes. It was a very pretty ant. Again, I’m not sure it was an ant, but I don’t really know what else it was. I watched it swimming, or getting ready to drown, and felt sorry for it. I found a leaf and lifted the poor little guy onto the leaf and put him on the concrete that surrounds the pool. He immediately started to clean himself off. I watched in rapt attention. He took his back legs and carefully slid them over his lower body. I assume he was using them as some sort of scraper to get the water off his back. Then he took his front legs and cleaned off first one antennae and then the other and then went back to his back legs and repeated the whole process again. He didn’t seem grateful that he had been saved by me. I’m not even sure he was aware that I was watching him. But, then he did something that amazed me. He was completely dried off – as far as I could tell – and turned and ran right over the edge of the pool right back into the water! I stood there and said “stupid ant”. After all that, he simply repeated his fateful act and landed in the water again. After awhile, Gail took pity on this ant and splashed him out of the water and on to the concrete. He cleaned himself off again and after that??.....you guessed it…..right back into the water he went. We both left him to his fate. Now you may say maybe he was a water bug. I don’t think so, but he sure was a stupid bug. We left him in the water and went back to our own swimming.
This ant did get me to thinking though. How often do I repeat my (perceived) offenses time and time again. I am lifted out of the “water” and after I lick my wounds, clean myself off, I run right back into the very place I was drowning in. Whether these are bad relationships, negative attitudes or negative ways of thinking, hurtful actions, etc.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about learning to rethink the way I think and, here is the dreaded word, feel. We get into patterns of thinking that can really hold us back and instead of reaching up and out, we run right back into the old way of whatever. I’m not sure there is much I can do about how I feel – feelings are just that, feelings. I can do more with what I think and what goes in and out of my head. But, I can really do something with how I react – this is where the choices lay.
I am grateful for a God who doesn’t walk away from me when I run right back into the water. Who lovingly bails me out each and every time. I’m sure I have given Him much opportunity to be frustrated – does God get frustrated? (Another time and Blog.) I am grateful for friends and family who love me too. I hope the little ant made it out of the water. He might be in the skimmer right now………..
-D-
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Eight Random Facts
As Daryl said, my sister tagged me. So, here you go - Eight Random Facts about me:
1) I was born in Zimbabwe. The 4th and last child of my parents. Could it be that after me there was no energy for more? From the stories I've heard, and I do wonder if they are all true, I may have been as active as twins would have been.
2) When I read Daryl’s # 2 it made me think about passports. I haven’t applied for a passport yet. I have the ONLY copy of my birth certificate and am very reluctant to give it up to anyone. I really do need to find out how to get more copies for the future, but I keep putting off getting a passport because I don’t want to deal with the hassle. I think with border regulations tightening, I will have to deal with it sooner rather than later.
3) I love animals – just about any animal. I should have grown up on a farm for that very reason. If Gail would have let me, I would have had a whole menagerie of animals. But, sadly that was not to be. I have to settle for my two dogs. I mean, Leah’s dog and my dog.
4) I am a rules follower, especially when traveling. Some people bend rules – not me. If there is a road sign that says no left turn and there is no traffic coming, I still will not turn left. I will turn right and go out of my way and find a way to go back the way the left turn would have taken me. I basically follow speed limits – that is why I don’t get to drive on road trips.
5) I do not like to fly. I used to love to fly when I was younger, but now I would rather do anything else but fly. However, I will if necessary.
6) I am very ornery by nature. I’ve tried, several times in my adult years, to not be quite so ornery. But, it usually doesn’t last. Leah is scared she will have a child just like me. I think that would be a great thing.
7) I love to read and spend more time than I should between the pages of a book. I like mystery novels, some biographies – depending on who, and some romance stories, if they are not too sappy.
8) For the most part, I do not like being alone. I enjoy being around people and find that I am energized by social activities. However, I am learning the value of spending time with me and realizing that I can be good company too.
So, there you go. Not a whole lot of exotic facts, but facts none-the-less.
This was fun, Donna. Thanks for the push in being tagged.
1) I was born in Zimbabwe. The 4th and last child of my parents. Could it be that after me there was no energy for more? From the stories I've heard, and I do wonder if they are all true, I may have been as active as twins would have been.
2) When I read Daryl’s # 2 it made me think about passports. I haven’t applied for a passport yet. I have the ONLY copy of my birth certificate and am very reluctant to give it up to anyone. I really do need to find out how to get more copies for the future, but I keep putting off getting a passport because I don’t want to deal with the hassle. I think with border regulations tightening, I will have to deal with it sooner rather than later.
3) I love animals – just about any animal. I should have grown up on a farm for that very reason. If Gail would have let me, I would have had a whole menagerie of animals. But, sadly that was not to be. I have to settle for my two dogs. I mean, Leah’s dog and my dog.
4) I am a rules follower, especially when traveling. Some people bend rules – not me. If there is a road sign that says no left turn and there is no traffic coming, I still will not turn left. I will turn right and go out of my way and find a way to go back the way the left turn would have taken me. I basically follow speed limits – that is why I don’t get to drive on road trips.
5) I do not like to fly. I used to love to fly when I was younger, but now I would rather do anything else but fly. However, I will if necessary.
6) I am very ornery by nature. I’ve tried, several times in my adult years, to not be quite so ornery. But, it usually doesn’t last. Leah is scared she will have a child just like me. I think that would be a great thing.
7) I love to read and spend more time than I should between the pages of a book. I like mystery novels, some biographies – depending on who, and some romance stories, if they are not too sappy.
8) For the most part, I do not like being alone. I enjoy being around people and find that I am energized by social activities. However, I am learning the value of spending time with me and realizing that I can be good company too.
So, there you go. Not a whole lot of exotic facts, but facts none-the-less.
This was fun, Donna. Thanks for the push in being tagged.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
My Dad...
I decided to write my own post in honor of my Daddy.
As I read both Donna and Daryl’s blogs, I realized that their memories are also my memories. I remember combing Dad’s hair, learning to ride a bike and lots of music. Growing up I have to admit that most of the time, I thought the music was b-o-r-i-n-g. I don’t have the same love and appreciation for classic music that Donna and Daryl do, but I have learned to appreciate it and enjoy it on a different level. And, I must admit that it stirs deep within my soul at times.
I remember putting rubber bands and clips in Dad's hair. He was a dutiful participant in my "styling" his hair. Make me smile to think of that now.
My learning to ride a bike experience was at 40A (is the “A” right?) Leander Ave. I remember there was a road, or alley, or driveway beside the house and I learned to ride on that. I learned to ride a man’s bike by putting my legs under the straight bar and balancing the bike. I honestly don’t remember if Daddy taught me or I just figured it out. He may have given me the idea. I’m not sure, but I remember riding the bike that way.
I, too, remember a time that Dad let me make up my own mind – there was a dance at my high school and I wanted to go. I begged and begged to go and finally Daddy told me that he did not approve of dances, but if I wanted to go I could go. He would not take me nor pick me up, but I could go. I did go and after going to a couple of dances decided that I really did not enjoy them so I stopped going. I have often wondered if he had not allowed me to make up my own mind if I would have rebelled and found a way to go just to (as kids often do) spite their parent. I am so grateful that he allowed me to make a choice, which went against his own personal belief and to let me figure out what I wanted to do.
I also remember at Fairland, in particular, when Dad was a pastor there - I don’t know how often I went into his study and wanted his attention. I don’t remember ever being turned away and I am sure that I sometimes went in when he was quite busy and didn’t really want to be bothered. My memory tells me I was never turned away. I always felt important and wanted.
I, too, am grateful for the father I have. Happy Birthday and Happy Father’s Day and I love you very much. Oh, another quick memory – Daryl once told me that the USA puts out flags for both Dad’s birthday (Flag Day) and Daryl’s birthday (Memorial Day – when it used to be on the 39th) just because it was their birthdays. I don’t remember if I ever truly believed him, but I do remember him telling me that.
As I read both Donna and Daryl’s blogs, I realized that their memories are also my memories. I remember combing Dad’s hair, learning to ride a bike and lots of music. Growing up I have to admit that most of the time, I thought the music was b-o-r-i-n-g. I don’t have the same love and appreciation for classic music that Donna and Daryl do, but I have learned to appreciate it and enjoy it on a different level. And, I must admit that it stirs deep within my soul at times.
I remember putting rubber bands and clips in Dad's hair. He was a dutiful participant in my "styling" his hair. Make me smile to think of that now.
My learning to ride a bike experience was at 40A (is the “A” right?) Leander Ave. I remember there was a road, or alley, or driveway beside the house and I learned to ride on that. I learned to ride a man’s bike by putting my legs under the straight bar and balancing the bike. I honestly don’t remember if Daddy taught me or I just figured it out. He may have given me the idea. I’m not sure, but I remember riding the bike that way.
I, too, remember a time that Dad let me make up my own mind – there was a dance at my high school and I wanted to go. I begged and begged to go and finally Daddy told me that he did not approve of dances, but if I wanted to go I could go. He would not take me nor pick me up, but I could go. I did go and after going to a couple of dances decided that I really did not enjoy them so I stopped going. I have often wondered if he had not allowed me to make up my own mind if I would have rebelled and found a way to go just to (as kids often do) spite their parent. I am so grateful that he allowed me to make a choice, which went against his own personal belief and to let me figure out what I wanted to do.
I also remember at Fairland, in particular, when Dad was a pastor there - I don’t know how often I went into his study and wanted his attention. I don’t remember ever being turned away and I am sure that I sometimes went in when he was quite busy and didn’t really want to be bothered. My memory tells me I was never turned away. I always felt important and wanted.
I, too, am grateful for the father I have. Happy Birthday and Happy Father’s Day and I love you very much. Oh, another quick memory – Daryl once told me that the USA puts out flags for both Dad’s birthday (Flag Day) and Daryl’s birthday (Memorial Day – when it used to be on the 39th) just because it was their birthdays. I don’t remember if I ever truly believed him, but I do remember him telling me that.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
CELEBRATE
Here are some pictures from my birthday party. It was a small party because Gail and Leah were not sure how I would be feeling physically by my birthdate. Ben and Leah surprised me at the restaurant where Gail and I went for supper. We were in the process of what to have for dinner when, while I had my head down looking at the menu, Leah walked up with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and said that she had heard it was my birthday. I was, of course, shocked and then cried - remember the crying thing? It took us quite a while to order our food. Thank goodness our waitress was patient. Leah gave me a beautiful book with snap-shot pictures through the years as well as comments from my family. A very nice gift and one I will always treasure!! We then came back to our house and had a camp fire, something we all enjoy very much. Gail and Ben then served ice-cream cake to us. It was a very nice evening and the surprise was well worth it all.
This is my baby and I am pretty sure he thought we had all gotten together for his birthday. He seems to think the world revolves around him. Isn't he cute? And, he is not spoiled at all!!!
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Reflections
Well, tomorrow is the big day – 50. Since I am the youngest of my clan, I am not entering a new decade that you haven’t already entered and maybe even already passed through. But, it is a new one for me.
I have been thinking back over this past year and quite honestly, it hasn’t been all that great. I was ill for most of my 49th year and am just now beginning to understand just how badly I really felt. If I stop with that comment, it seems a little depressing, so I won’t stop there.
I am more than grateful that I am where I am today versus where I could be if the diagnosis had come back differently. The past two months have given me pause to reflect on many things. I would like to share them with you. I am grateful for these things:
- A God who loves me in a way that I will never truly comprehend.
- A husband who loves and supports me even when I am grumpy from not feeling well. Who encourages me to take each day at a time and to not look back into the “what if’s and if only’s”. I love his “let’s take it from here and handle one day at a time” attitude. Where would I be without you?
- A daughter who brightens my day with her love and concern for my well-being. My best girl-friend and a gift beyond mere words.
- A son-in-law who is more like a son - whose encouragement and love go far beyond words that I could express. Your love for my daughter touches the depths of my heart.
- A Father who called one night and asked “how is my baby tonight?” That tender endearment touched my heart. Thanks, Daddy. Yours and Verna Mae’s phone calls were appreciated very much!
- My siblings who have encouraged me through all this. I’m glad we are staying more in touch through this Blog world than ever before. And, I feel like I am getting to know you on a different level than ever before.
- Gail’s family – for their love and support through these past difficult months.
- My closest friends, who are more like family than you know.
As I look over this very short list, and believe me, I could go on and on and on but I will spare you, I think that maybe this past year hasn’t been as bad as I originally thought. This illness has brought to my attention all that I have to grateful for, and there is so much more that could be added.
I once read that attitude is everything and I am inclined to believe it now more than ever. So maybe 49 wasn’t so bad and I look forward to 50 and all this new year/decade will have to offer. I hope and pray that as I continue on life’s road that I will never stop learning from those around me, that I will be just a bit kinder to those who are less fortunate than I, that I can help to carry the load of someone who needs it, that I leave those I meet with encouragement and hope, that I learn to love a little deeper and treasure the important things in life.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
JOURNEY
The past numbers of years have been a journey of sorts for me. The past several months and weeks in particular have brought health issues to the forefront. I finally went to the doctor the first week of April to get some medical help for my cough, chest pain and trouble breathing. It only took me 10 months to seek that help. When my doctor asked me why I took so long to come in I simply shrugged and said that I wasn’t really sure. He has been my doctor for over 30 years and has gotten to know me somewhat. He said that he knew why. He then proceeded to tell me that I am one of those people that thinks tomorrow will be a better day. I thought about that for a bit and agreed. It might be surprising to know that the older I am getting the more I am learning to let the dust settle before reacting too much. Things seem clearer when the dust settles. Perhaps the past 4 years in the Harman family has helped with this new found philosophy. There has been so much turmoil in the Harman family that has kept me on an adrenaline high and learning how to relax is now the order of the day. So, I don’t react to health issues as quickly as I should.
I went to a pulmonologist on Wednesday. I felt very comfortable with him and his staff. He ordered a CT scan for Thursday. Now that was an experience. The scan itself was a breeze – just follow the little computer guy and his instructions and you will do fine. However, I did not know I have an iodine allergy and reacted to the iodine the technician injected during the 2nd part of the test. My lips and back of my tongue became very tingly and felt as though they were swelling. Whether they actually did or not, I don’t really know. The whole experience lasted maybe 2 minutes. They called the doctor to come and check me and he thought I was doing fine – I agreed. It felt like a scene from House, if any of you are familiar with that show. Now I wait for the results. For some reason, I am not very worried. Maybe I should be but I am not. Maybe my new found philosophy is kicking into gear or maybe thinking that tomorrow really will be a better day or maybe I am truly just too ignorant to speculate as to what all “it” could be or maybe I have a peace that passes understanding. Monday will come soon enough and it will come whether I worry or not, so I have chosen the not. I am relieved to hopefully have some answers. The past 10 months have been hard and anxious filled because of not being able to breathe properly.
I hope that should something else come along, I will not wait as long to seek help. But, I also think that I really want to continue believing that tomorrow just maybe a better day....
I went to a pulmonologist on Wednesday. I felt very comfortable with him and his staff. He ordered a CT scan for Thursday. Now that was an experience. The scan itself was a breeze – just follow the little computer guy and his instructions and you will do fine. However, I did not know I have an iodine allergy and reacted to the iodine the technician injected during the 2nd part of the test. My lips and back of my tongue became very tingly and felt as though they were swelling. Whether they actually did or not, I don’t really know. The whole experience lasted maybe 2 minutes. They called the doctor to come and check me and he thought I was doing fine – I agreed. It felt like a scene from House, if any of you are familiar with that show. Now I wait for the results. For some reason, I am not very worried. Maybe I should be but I am not. Maybe my new found philosophy is kicking into gear or maybe thinking that tomorrow really will be a better day or maybe I am truly just too ignorant to speculate as to what all “it” could be or maybe I have a peace that passes understanding. Monday will come soon enough and it will come whether I worry or not, so I have chosen the not. I am relieved to hopefully have some answers. The past 10 months have been hard and anxious filled because of not being able to breathe properly.
I hope that should something else come along, I will not wait as long to seek help. But, I also think that I really want to continue believing that tomorrow just maybe a better day....
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Mother's Day Weekend...
I just got home from an absolutely delightful weekend with Leah. We spent the weekend together at a hotel. We arrived there late Friday afternoon. I arrived first and was checking in when Leah came into the lobby without my knowledge. I’m pretty sure she snuck in. I turned around and she was just standing there grinning. True to nature, I let out a yelp and then started to cry. Why I always cry like that is a mystery to me – but I do, none-the-less. I couldn’t help but wonder what the woman at the check-in counter was thinking. It seems the harder I try not to cry at such times, the more I do. Oh well, maybe babies of families are mushier than the rest – not sure, but I wonder. Or, maybe losing one’s mother on Mother’s Day is still a poignant memory.
Leah and I spent the weekend shopping and eating, but mostly talking and just being together. I don’t take these times lightly because they are few and far between. As Leah’s life continues to change it may be harder for the two of us to get away like this, but for now I revel in it. I hope we can always make time to do this. I must admit I enjoy not having to share her with anyone else – if that is being selfish, of which I have been accused by well meaning friends, then so be it. I suppose having only one child makes the parent/child relationship a bit different than when there are more. I don’t know about that but I wonder. I thank the Lord often for the one child I have – we have been very blessed!
I can’t let this day go by without writing about my own Mother. There are not very many days that go by that I don’t think about her. I told her on Friday, in a whispered prayer, that I wish that we could sit and have coffee. I like coffee a lot more now than when she was alive. I miss our conversations and her wisdom. I am reaching a point in my life where I would love to draw on her view of life and womanhood. I am sad that she does not know my daughter – I think that makes me the saddest of all. Or maybe, in some way, she does. I like to think about that. None of us really know what God allows or does not allow when we go to live with Him. I like to think that Mother has some idea of what her children and grand-children are up to. I don’t dwell on it too much because it truly is a mystery. I am so grateful for the mother I had and for the daughter I have and I pray that God will bless us all in midst of this everyday life.
So, to all the mothers in my family – Happy Mother’s Day and I love you all!
Leah and I spent the weekend shopping and eating, but mostly talking and just being together. I don’t take these times lightly because they are few and far between. As Leah’s life continues to change it may be harder for the two of us to get away like this, but for now I revel in it. I hope we can always make time to do this. I must admit I enjoy not having to share her with anyone else – if that is being selfish, of which I have been accused by well meaning friends, then so be it. I suppose having only one child makes the parent/child relationship a bit different than when there are more. I don’t know about that but I wonder. I thank the Lord often for the one child I have – we have been very blessed!
I can’t let this day go by without writing about my own Mother. There are not very many days that go by that I don’t think about her. I told her on Friday, in a whispered prayer, that I wish that we could sit and have coffee. I like coffee a lot more now than when she was alive. I miss our conversations and her wisdom. I am reaching a point in my life where I would love to draw on her view of life and womanhood. I am sad that she does not know my daughter – I think that makes me the saddest of all. Or maybe, in some way, she does. I like to think about that. None of us really know what God allows or does not allow when we go to live with Him. I like to think that Mother has some idea of what her children and grand-children are up to. I don’t dwell on it too much because it truly is a mystery. I am so grateful for the mother I had and for the daughter I have and I pray that God will bless us all in midst of this everyday life.
So, to all the mothers in my family – Happy Mother’s Day and I love you all!
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