JOURNEY

The past numbers of years have been a journey of sorts for me. The past several months and weeks in particular have brought health issues to the forefront. I finally went to the doctor the first week of April to get some medical help for my cough, chest pain and trouble breathing. It only took me 10 months to seek that help. When my doctor asked me why I took so long to come in I simply shrugged and said that I wasn’t really sure. He has been my doctor for over 30 years and has gotten to know me somewhat. He said that he knew why. He then proceeded to tell me that I am one of those people that thinks tomorrow will be a better day. I thought about that for a bit and agreed. It might be surprising to know that the older I am getting the more I am learning to let the dust settle before reacting too much. Things seem clearer when the dust settles. Perhaps the past 4 years in the Harman family has helped with this new found philosophy. There has been so much turmoil in the Harman family that has kept me on an adrenaline high and learning how to relax is now the order of the day. So, I don’t react to health issues as quickly as I should.

I went to a pulmonologist on Wednesday. I felt very comfortable with him and his staff. He ordered a CT scan for Thursday. Now that was an experience. The scan itself was a breeze – just follow the little computer guy and his instructions and you will do fine. However, I did not know I have an iodine allergy and reacted to the iodine the technician injected during the 2nd part of the test. My lips and back of my tongue became very tingly and felt as though they were swelling. Whether they actually did or not, I don’t really know. The whole experience lasted maybe 2 minutes. They called the doctor to come and check me and he thought I was doing fine – I agreed. It felt like a scene from House, if any of you are familiar with that show. Now I wait for the results. For some reason, I am not very worried. Maybe I should be but I am not. Maybe my new found philosophy is kicking into gear or maybe thinking that tomorrow really will be a better day or maybe I am truly just too ignorant to speculate as to what all “it” could be or maybe I have a peace that passes understanding. Monday will come soon enough and it will come whether I worry or not, so I have chosen the not. I am relieved to hopefully have some answers. The past 10 months have been hard and anxious filled because of not being able to breathe properly.

I hope that should something else come along, I will not wait as long to seek help. But, I also think that I really want to continue believing that tomorrow just maybe a better day....

Mother's Day Weekend...

I just got home from an absolutely delightful weekend with Leah. We spent the weekend together at a hotel. We arrived there late Friday afternoon. I arrived first and was checking in when Leah came into the lobby without my knowledge. I’m pretty sure she snuck in. I turned around and she was just standing there grinning. True to nature, I let out a yelp and then started to cry. Why I always cry like that is a mystery to me – but I do, none-the-less. I couldn’t help but wonder what the woman at the check-in counter was thinking. It seems the harder I try not to cry at such times, the more I do. Oh well, maybe babies of families are mushier than the rest – not sure, but I wonder. Or, maybe losing one’s mother on Mother’s Day is still a poignant memory.

Leah and I spent the weekend shopping and eating, but mostly talking and just being together. I don’t take these times lightly because they are few and far between. As Leah’s life continues to change it may be harder for the two of us to get away like this, but for now I revel in it. I hope we can always make time to do this. I must admit I enjoy not having to share her with anyone else – if that is being selfish, of which I have been accused by well meaning friends, then so be it. I suppose having only one child makes the parent/child relationship a bit different than when there are more. I don’t know about that but I wonder. I thank the Lord often for the one child I have – we have been very blessed!

I can’t let this day go by without writing about my own Mother. There are not very many days that go by that I don’t think about her. I told her on Friday, in a whispered prayer, that I wish that we could sit and have coffee. I like coffee a lot more now than when she was alive. I miss our conversations and her wisdom. I am reaching a point in my life where I would love to draw on her view of life and womanhood. I am sad that she does not know my daughter – I think that makes me the saddest of all. Or maybe, in some way, she does. I like to think about that. None of us really know what God allows or does not allow when we go to live with Him. I like to think that Mother has some idea of what her children and grand-children are up to. I don’t dwell on it too much because it truly is a mystery. I am so grateful for the mother I had and for the daughter I have and I pray that God will bless us all in midst of this everyday life.

So, to all the mothers in my family – Happy Mother’s Day and I love you all!

I'm Back!

Wow – I am so excited! We FINALLY got our new computer and are out of the dark ages with a new DSL (instead of dial up) and loving every minute, so far! I’m still getting to know my computer or I should say “our” computer, but I have sort of taken up ownership - poor Gail! Oh, he’ll get over it! He is already shaking his head as he sees me sitting here typing away. Some things we will never quite agree on. Gail and Lois speak the same language – they would much rather be outside doing yard work and playing with lawn mowers and the like. With my new found asthma, I have to be more careful what I do. Until I know what triggers my asthma attacks, I will just have to stay close to my new computer – it doesn’t seem to bother me. It is easy to find an excuse when you need one.

On a side note, you may notice I seem to be having some kind of Blog identity crisis. I keep changing the template. Hopefully I will find a home soon and settle in. If you hadn’t noticed, well now I drew your attention to this fact.

Seriously, a lot has happened since I last wrote. It seems the world continues to go crazy. I don’t understand the hate that fills a man’s heart to cause such heartache and destruction. To me it doesn’t matter where in the world there is pain and suffering, we are all connected in some way. This past weekend the weather has also been such a destructive force. I have customers in Kansas and they are dealing with a lot. It would be very easy for us to stay in bed and pull the covers over our heads and hide. BUT, I find the world is still a great place to be. I have seen wonder in a child’s eye, love and acceptance in an aged women’s eyes and know that there is much to live for, learn from and we need to stay involved with those around us. May my heart never become so calloused that I cease to care.

On that note, I hope to write more often. We’ll see………………